Never Fearing Wild Things

There is a quality to midlife that feels like an immense need to crawl out of one’s skin.  Sometimes (I’m told this is due to hormones, but who really knows) it is most evident at the end of the day when I lay down, turn the light out and cease all activity.  My body cannot stop and whatever is within enlivens in such a way that I almost need to get up and pace, to quiet that energy, that presence.

The other night I stayed up until 3 am reading.  I didn’t know what else to do.

Then there are the nights when my mind takes over and thoughts spill out of control into places and suppositions I know are taking me down dark pathways I need not tread.  I have enough experience and training to know how to stop these thoughts in their tracks – sometimes.  Other times, especially when my body is vibrating with that uncertain energy, I give in and travel to unreal, unhappy places.

I have always been a reflective person – perhaps too much so at times.  Yet I shy away from deeper reflection on this unease within my mind and body.  I get grumpy – with myself, with my closest intimates.  I avoid friends, so as to protect them from this midlife mess.

Most days I feel confident I shall journey through this.

Then there are days I wonder.

The books stare at me from my shelves – The Wisdom of Menopause – and I stare back daring them to speak something good into this.  I don’t want wisdom, I want relief, I want peace.  I want to fall asleep and sleep well through the whole night.

I want to stop the endless daily activity of serving everyone around me to distract myself from this anxious feeling crawling through my bloodstream.  I want to stop blaming my partner and his issues for my discontent.  I want to have more space and peace for my adolescent daughter who is being swept into the vagaries of the teen years.

I need to play with words.  I need to touch this strange movement within with words.  They won’t be complete, but they might give direction.  I need to find ways to redirect this river of anxious energy.

God help me.